Ethiopia: 3 days to liftoff

I should have written 20 entries by now – detailing the first day we started thinking about the trip, all the praying and hemming and hawing, the day we made the final decision. I should have talked about my inner conflict, the awkwardness of fundraising, the difficulty of planning a trip like this around all sorts of other mayhem. But because of the other mayhem, writing has fallen by the wayside as it always does, and now I find myself 3 days before my first trip to Ethiopia having done no written reflection and not knowing where to start.

Sean and I have always talked about going to Africa. For me it was (just to be embarrassingly candid) this mystical place in need of help where maybe – just maybe – I could be of some use. Being of the artistic, fluffy, humanities type, I never felt like I was particularly necessary for the benefit of anything in this world. I’m not being dramatic, really – I know paintings are nice to have around, and maybe I’ll write a book some day, or maybe I could be a good friend to someone who needs a friend – and I don’t mean to under appreciate those gifts. But I guess I was always skeptical about how meaningful any of these things are on a wider scale. I don’t know, maybe it’s a pride thing – wanting to be useful on a wider scale. It probably is. But at any rate, I never felt like I was. So when the possibility of going on a trip with a bunch of doctors to Ethiopia came up – I was torn. On the one hand, it had been my dream to go on a trip such as this – for the sake of experience, adventure, building relationships, growing as a person and, yes, perhaps even being useful. But on the other hand – these folks are doctors. They contribute something very tangible to the world. They are going to bring medical care, and medical knowledge, to a place that hungers for it. And what am I? What can I do?

Now, I know the answer to that question. I know that, as mother Theresa said, “we can do no great things – only small things with great love”. But believing it – really believing that that is good enough – has been a struggle for me. At some point, I have to realize that while wanting to “change the world” perhaps is noble, it is also prideful. We think of productivity and usefulness in terms of numbers. How many people can I impact? How many lives can we save? How many patients can we visit? But as far as I am starting to understand – those are not God’s mathematics. The God who leaves the flock to look for the one lost sheep does not count our usefulness in His kingdom based on numbers. But, I believe, He values our willingness to go, and our willingness to learn how to love like He does.

He told me “go, and I’ll find something for you to do”. So, I am going.

As for what I am doing – I’m documenting. I’m taking photos and videos which will hopefully help further the on-going projects and future plans of those involved.

That isn’t really the point, though. The point is that God doesn’t measure our value based on our usefulness – he doesn’t measure our value at all. We are always of the same value to Him, no matter what. But if we are willing to go where He leads, we might just get the chance to be a part of something amazing.

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Fall

Fall is subtle on the Californian central coast. The daily highs rise from 80s into 90s in September, the vibrant greens fade into dusty greys and browns and everything is hot and still and quiet. Then the sun gets lower and the nights get chilly and the mornings are filled with fog. And then – the rain. cleansing, washing, cooling rain. Sweeps everything away. Fall is my favorite season, even when you can’t really tell it’s fall yet. Because I know any day now, a change is going to come.

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A Bit “Over” on the ‘Whelming

It’s funny, but usually when someone finds out that you work from home, the (perfectly natural) assumption is that you have a pretty lazy, slow, even-paced sort of life. And maybe you do. Except that sometimes, you end up putting more pressure on yourself than you would get in a work environment where you weren’t your own boss. For example, if my business fails (meaning, I never book another wedding again, or don’t book enough to break even) it’s entirely my fault. There’s always more I could do. I can always take more pictures, do more style shoots (more on THAT later), advertise more, lower my prices in hopes of luring budget-conscious brides (which sometimes works, but you really want people to hire you because of your pictures, not because you’re cheaper than the next guy). This leads to a certain level of…anxiety and self-pummeling. In addition to that, you know, I actually have work to do. Like editing photos, making ads, contacting clients, planning for (tomorrow’s) wedding, doing research, getting inspiration, learning about lighting.

On that topic, here’s last week’s wedding blog.

Then there’s the whole art thing. Which I will write more in detail about in my art blog, but there’s always plenty to do. I’m trying to knit/crochet my way through my massive pile of yarn remnants. Plus there’s that little thing about having a project due for a very public Easter show which I haven’t technically started (though I have sketches, just not one I want to go with). I have two books I’m actively reading (Acedia and Me and Love Wins) more on that, hopefully, later. There’s at least two other books that I had started reading at some point and just didn’t finish.

Then there is the pile of laundry (which I have finally done!) that needs to not be on the couch, dishes that still need to be washed, exercise that still needs to happen, tubs and boxes that still need to be unpacked. Oh, and we have a dinner to go to tonight.

So, naturally, I spent the morning drinking tea and reading.

(Maybe I do, on occasion, have a lazy, slow sort of life, though it’s not particularly even-paced.)

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